Saturday, September 10, 2011

It never get's any easier even 7 years later

I have sat here for an hour now staring at this blank page. How do I write this blog? Where do I begin? 7 years ago today I was carefree and happy. Rogelio and I had just enjoyed a nice lunch of Golden Corral and rented some movies from Blockbuster. Roana had enjoyed herself thoroughly and we were headed off to the pool for some relaxation. A couple of days before my Ro had lost his job and we left to California for an impromptu visit to his mom and Arizonia to my sister.

The night before my mother had called me. She was very distressed because she barely found out about my trip. She had loaned me 1000 for a car the few weeks before. We argued that night and her call ended with "Call me back when you can respect your mother." I just laughed with Ro and we both agreed I would call her that following evening to give her time to calm down. I never knew or could imagine what would follow that evening.

As I was saying Ro and I came back from a few errands. I saw a few missed calls from my grandparents. I saw a blinking red light staring me in the face. Instantly my heart went there. My grandpa, what was wrong with him. I looked at Ro with terror in my face and picked up the number. My grandma answered and told me tearfully "Susan Honey, I am so sorry. Your mama is gone. She was killed in a car accident." I turned pale and grabbed our kitchen counter. My heart sunk and I was speechless. Tears streamed down my face and I turned to Ro. I went into my bedroom and laid on my bed. Ro picked up the phone from the floor and finished that call. I lay in bed sobbing and my precious 3 year old daughter comes and lays with me. She cries with me and says Mommy what is wrong. I just look at her and cannot speak. She sobs louder and I tell her It is okay honey, but your grandma is dead. I knew her little brain could not comprehend it but I just had to get it out. Those words rang through my head and heart "She is dead. She is gone. She will never be back." 7 years later those words still haunt me.

On September 11th Ro and I loaded into a plane to go be with my family in TN. I swore I would never fly that day. I sat there sobbing into the plane as Ro and I were seperated in AZ for hours. The nice stewardess gave me headphones and food and I finally drifted off into sleep.

A couple of days later in TN we laid my mommy to rest. I knew right there I was laying a peice of me to rest too. At that moment I forgot every bad thing that ever happened and I just wished for another day with her. Everything hit me when we went to the graveyard. I collapsed into my brother in laws arms while Ro went to the bathroom. What a beautiful and sad moment. My mommy was gone forever.

So here I sit 7 years later. One would think the pain would dull after all these years. But here I sit missing her. I am grasping her bear and sobbing into my pillow. My mom never got to meet my son. I strongly believe she sent him to me but she never got to see the joy he brought to my life. My mom never got to see Ro graduate from school. My mom never saw the first day of kinder, I can never ask her how I was. I can never smell her smoke laced hair or hear her raspy voice. I can never experience my mom as she was.

No mother is perfect and I know my children will find things to hate me for someday too. But what would I give to just have one more moment with her.

Debra Sue Ann, 7 years ago you were taken from this world and brought into a perfect one. I cannot even begin to understand why you were taken so early. Maybe God was going to spare you the pain of cancer coming back again. Or maybe just to give your poor heart a rest. You were stronger then any women I knew. You suffered as a child, you suffered as an adult but through it all you loved me unconditionally. I see you in the butterflies. I see you in the clouds. I see you in my children. I see you everywhere. I know now you are sitting in the clouds with your lost sister, my grandma, father and my lost sister. I know you and her are bonding and waiting for us to come. I pray you watch over us and make me the mother you always wanted to be. I miss you mom today and always. I pray I make you proud. I love you and hope you know I am sorry for the way it all ended. You were a good mom. A perfect one? No, but you were mine. RIP Debra Sue Ann 10/9/56 - 09/10/2004 Mother, wife and grandma

Friday, September 9, 2011

School Picture Day

This year is already flying by. Before I know it my boy will be done with Kindergarten. Well today was picture day. We got up bright and early and got both the kids ready. Lil Ro actually let me comb his hair out. They looked cute. In my opinion home pictures look better then lifetouch pictures. I love my pictures. They are not babies anymore. They are my big kids.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Supermom, a daily battle

The day is young, you hear screaming and kicking from my apartment. You hear my son holler, "oh God no. I wanna play outside!" I know you are wondering what in the world is going on. This is my daily battle with homework. While I try and start dinner, I bribe them with out door play yet they refuse to do it. They find excuses, "I am hungry." I am tired, I want a toy. I love you dear children but you have to do homework.

My life is now consisted of four main parts, there is Morning routine. I wake up, get the kids dressed and off to school. We manage to do that without pulling all my hair out.Finally at 7:30 the kids are settled at school eating a good breakfast. By the time 8 am rolls around the kids are settled respectively at their desk and I am walking half a mile home.

The next part of my day consists of cleaning, meal planning and some internet. Okay maybe not in that order and a lot of internet that should read. I get bored around 11 and start counting down the hours until my children come running out the door. At 2:15 I finally get into the mode and go pick up my kids and listen to who did what and who likes who. Amazing what drama goes down in elementary school.

By 3 the meltdown begins, I want to play, I want to eat, I don't want dinner. I am bored. I don't want to read. This is insanity. Sometime between now and 5 I have to get some kind of mush on a plate to call dinner and get all the reading, homework and playtime in. I guess the fact that I present a meal with 2 sides can be considered a miracle.

The last part of my day starts around 5. The door opens and Superman comes home. He is rushed with kisses while I finish sweating over a stove. He gets to hear all the good things that happened and then gets the fun time. I get to do about baths, clean clothes, worrying your abcs, how to write your name and all that other fun stuff. Finally around 8 we wind down. We get baths and one more night time story. Mommy turns on the ocean sounds and we drift off to slumber. Sorry, correct that, they drift off while mommy does dishes, lays out clothes and makes sure all homework is put away.

So who said Stay at home moms eat bon bons all day? This mommy can tell you there is plenty to keep me busy. Honestly, in all I am greatful for my life. I have two kids, a devoted husband and roof over my head. So honestly, when does this homework battle end? I know the reward will be worth it in the end. Seeing the little improvements make these battles worth it. The first R-O-G to start spelling his name. The first 100% spelling test to show she has made strides. These remind me of the sacrifices we have made to make my children the best they can me. I am a stay at home mom with homework issues but I can also underline the title Supermom

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I am fulfilling dreams

Most mommy's when their babies start Kindergarten and Fifth Grade go back to work. I am continuing my journey to improve myself. I have lost 50 pounds. I have set life goals and I have finally written a bucket list. Back in 2003 before my mother passed I remember her telling me "My dream is to come back to Colorado Springs and ride in the balloon classic." That stuck with me. My sister and I even discussed coming back to doing it together. This year I finally got a chance. It was a slim chance. On Qdoba Colorado Springs facebook page I saw a contest. The only catch was to have friends like your comment. Then even then it was not guaranteed. I ended up being in 2nd by likes by almost 20 votes. I kissed my balloon ride goodbye. Friday afternoon they were getting ready to announce the winner. My heart was beating, my eyes were watering. I was ready to say congrats to the winner. I was sitting in my newfound friends house when I checked facebook. Imagine my surprise when they announced "Congrats Susan. We will contact you with details on Monday." I screamed out with joy and ran out the door. I would be fulfilling my mother and I's dream for free like a VIP.

The whole time I was very worried about who would be watching my kids. Thankfully a friend of mine stepped in and watched them for me. After I found a friend to watch the kids my heart started pounding. I knew weather would be a huge factor for me. If the wind was too strong we would not fly. I began stalking the news and weather stations.

Finally after 5 days of anticipation and fear Saturday came. My heart was pounding. I woke up and got dressed. I showed up on the field and was shaking. I met our crew and they all embraced me. I told them my story and the ladies became very tearful. They promised No matter what I would fulfill my mamas dream. Unfortunately on Saturday Mother nature had another plan. The winds were way to dangerous so I would have to come back on Sunday.

Saturday night the kids had their first sleep over with my new friend and her children. Ro and I woke up on Sunday and waited for the stagemaster to hoist a green flag. My friend Cathy on our crew came up and told me "You are going up, it is a go." My heart pounded as I helped pull out my soon to become Beloved Splash. I fluffed her beautiful black and rainbow colored envelope. My heart bang in anticipation as she finally came to an upright. My new friend Tom took me by the shoulder and told me to jump on in. The sky was waiting. Ro followed suit and our journey began.

Slowly the pilot Fred, ascended us into the vast azure sky. We were rising above the tree tops and my breath quickened. Fred has over 30 years experience so I know I am in good capable hands. We flew over the trees, we flew over a golf course, we flew above other balloons. All in all our flight was about 1 hour long. I felt no pressure, no fear only immense joy. My fears were replaced with a new feeling. I was high from natural causes. The sky is now my new happy place. As quickly as it began I hear Fred say "Bend your knees." As quickly as my journey started it came to an end but my head remained over 1000 feet above my current location. The crew showed up at the lot we landed in however it was unaccessable. A lighter female of the crew jumped in and took a quick hop over to a large parking lot. At the parking lot we quickly went to work. We got our beloved Splash! back to her resting place. She was folded and the whole crew declared our flight a success.

Ro and I assumed that this journey was over. We assumed we would be returned to our vehicle and said goodbye. They turned and told us. No now it is our tailgate party. After a 15 minute drive to the point this dream just began, we got out of our chase vehicle. We walked hand in hand just a little awestruck. We sat and ate cheese and crackers. Then imagine our surprise when they called us over. The popped a bottle of champagne and initiated us into the crew. They told us now we are part of the family. I once again became teary eyed for my mama and me and told them they are so much more then a crew. I have included pics of the initiation which included the Balloonist Prayer. Then they presented us with a flight certificate and the empty bottle of champagne with some dirt from our landing site. I could not have asked for a better crew.

My dear friends, this was just a dream this time last year. I know in my heart of hearts something bigger played a hand in this. My original flight was scheduled for my grandpas birthday, just the week before the anniversary of my mamas death. I am here to tell you faith is bigger then just you and I. I can also say, dreams can come true. When you are not even expecting them too. Dreams are not just dreams, they are future reality. You just have to keep faith and stay strong. I know in my heart everyones dreams can come true if you continue to believe. This is nowhere near the end of my journey with Splash! I have made lifetime friends. I miss them already and cannot wait to see them next Balloon Classic. I wish I could surprise them with a visit to Albuequrque. But even if I do not, I know in 2012 I will be welcomed again with open arms. Family is who we make it...all things are possible. I do not want to wake from this dream but I can relive it with pictures and video and in my head. I am so very blessed and I pray everyone gets a chance to do this.
The Crew

The Patty Jewett Golf Course Birds Eye View

Just another lucky soul living the dream

The Balloon Classic From A View Others Rarely See

Three More Dreamers

Ro, Frank Our Pilot, And Me Ready to Launch

Ro and I in front of our Beloved Splash! Before she is inflated fully

Part one of the initiation

You want me to do what?

This is before directions.

Beloved Splash! doing a splash and dash

To Me Splash! Is the most beautiful Balloon in the World