It never get's any easier even 7 years later

I have sat here for an hour now staring at this blank page. How do I write this blog? Where do I begin? 7 years ago today I was carefree and happy. Rogelio and I had just enjoyed a nice lunch of Golden Corral and rented some movies from Blockbuster. Roana had enjoyed herself thoroughly and we were headed off to the pool for some relaxation. A couple of days before my Ro had lost his job and we left to California for an impromptu visit to his mom and Arizonia to my sister.

The night before my mother had called me. She was very distressed because she barely found out about my trip. She had loaned me 1000 for a car the few weeks before. We argued that night and her call ended with "Call me back when you can respect your mother." I just laughed with Ro and we both agreed I would call her that following evening to give her time to calm down. I never knew or could imagine what would follow that evening.

As I was saying Ro and I came back from a few errands. I saw a few missed calls from my grandparents. I saw a blinking red light staring me in the face. Instantly my heart went there. My grandpa, what was wrong with him. I looked at Ro with terror in my face and picked up the number. My grandma answered and told me tearfully "Susan Honey, I am so sorry. Your mama is gone. She was killed in a car accident." I turned pale and grabbed our kitchen counter. My heart sunk and I was speechless. Tears streamed down my face and I turned to Ro. I went into my bedroom and laid on my bed. Ro picked up the phone from the floor and finished that call. I lay in bed sobbing and my precious 3 year old daughter comes and lays with me. She cries with me and says Mommy what is wrong. I just look at her and cannot speak. She sobs louder and I tell her It is okay honey, but your grandma is dead. I knew her little brain could not comprehend it but I just had to get it out. Those words rang through my head and heart "She is dead. She is gone. She will never be back." 7 years later those words still haunt me.

On September 11th Ro and I loaded into a plane to go be with my family in TN. I swore I would never fly that day. I sat there sobbing into the plane as Ro and I were seperated in AZ for hours. The nice stewardess gave me headphones and food and I finally drifted off into sleep.

A couple of days later in TN we laid my mommy to rest. I knew right there I was laying a peice of me to rest too. At that moment I forgot every bad thing that ever happened and I just wished for another day with her. Everything hit me when we went to the graveyard. I collapsed into my brother in laws arms while Ro went to the bathroom. What a beautiful and sad moment. My mommy was gone forever.

So here I sit 7 years later. One would think the pain would dull after all these years. But here I sit missing her. I am grasping her bear and sobbing into my pillow. My mom never got to meet my son. I strongly believe she sent him to me but she never got to see the joy he brought to my life. My mom never got to see Ro graduate from school. My mom never saw the first day of kinder, I can never ask her how I was. I can never smell her smoke laced hair or hear her raspy voice. I can never experience my mom as she was.

No mother is perfect and I know my children will find things to hate me for someday too. But what would I give to just have one more moment with her.

Debra Sue Ann, 7 years ago you were taken from this world and brought into a perfect one. I cannot even begin to understand why you were taken so early. Maybe God was going to spare you the pain of cancer coming back again. Or maybe just to give your poor heart a rest. You were stronger then any women I knew. You suffered as a child, you suffered as an adult but through it all you loved me unconditionally. I see you in the butterflies. I see you in the clouds. I see you in my children. I see you everywhere. I know now you are sitting in the clouds with your lost sister, my grandma, father and my lost sister. I know you and her are bonding and waiting for us to come. I pray you watch over us and make me the mother you always wanted to be. I miss you mom today and always. I pray I make you proud. I love you and hope you know I am sorry for the way it all ended. You were a good mom. A perfect one? No, but you were mine. RIP Debra Sue Ann 10/9/56 - 09/10/2004 Mother, wife and grandma