I don't deserve to be a wife or mother

Today was not a good day. I thought it would be, I tried to make it a good day but alas some ultimate force was determined to ruin my day. I spent 4 hours cleaning my daughters room and rearranging. Then we had dinner and my heathen determined I could not eat once again. No wonder I have lost 2 pounds! So after a very hard day of work I came in here to catch up. This was at ten pm by the way so before this my day was dandy.

I hear screaming, I am so fed up and burned out at this point I begged Big Ro to go in and deal with the children. He is upset and calls me in. I look at Lil Ro screaming at the top of his lungs and blood dripping out his nose and Roana is in tears too. Quite obviously they had been fighting I comforted LiL Ro and asked Roana what happened. She tried to lie to me. So I smacked her bottom. Finally she fessed up and told me she kicked her brother. I ran to the bathroom and cleaned my son's face and rocked him to sleep. I laid hin down next to Big Ro and walked into Roanas room. She was laying in her bed sobbing.

I laid with her and told her not to cry. I just explained to her that she could have killed her brother and that none of us want that. She apologized so I laid with her until she calmed down. I came back into my room and laid down. My mind is racing. I cannot sleep. I feel like I have been ran over by 10,000 horses. I know I cannot control how my children react. I am thinking of adapting the concept of a fellow friend of mine who tells her children Hands are for hugging not hurting. I realize I too would need to adapt this lifestyle. I am changing my awareness on my body now I have to work on my mind.

I suck as a wife right now because my patience is worn so thin. I cannot give my husband the time or attention he deserves. Sometimes I think he would be better off without having to worry about me. I feel like I am a burden and that he deserves better. He deserves a patient, kind, loving and serving wife. I feel so selfish because I beg for 10 minutes alone. I know most women would kill to be in my position where I stay home but I look as it as a curse sometimes. I have to care for 3 people and myself and do it for just plain joy. Why cannot he understand sometimes I feel as though I am falling?

Right now he caught me typing this up. He said thanks I thought it was a good day. Yes a lot of things was done but for me the day has to end right for it to be good. So I guess for tonight I will break my own rule " Never go to bed angry". I am. I am going to bed hurt and sad and lonely even though my son sleeps next to me. I am not going to scream and yell at him. I am just going to give myself time to fizzle out. I am not going to threaten him and pretend to leave him. That is just childish. I am just going to exist for the evening.

Today was hard and he does not realize. Today was a year my dear friends. A year ago I lost my remaining parent. A year ago my father passed into the next world. Yes I did not like him at the end but he was my dad and I am entitled to some emotion on this day. I don't think he can understand how I feel. How I have an emptiness that noone else can feel. Yes I have a heart full of love for him and our children but I still miss my parents. I miss asking them did I behave like this? I miss getting advice and not taking it. I miss being a little girl who I could look upon my parents and see the world. Today I mourn my family. I lost my dad and sister a year ago. I have changed. I have to fight for myself and do what I think is right now. My heart breaks on a daily basis but I pray it only makes me stronger. I will for now on take care to place loving hands instead of iron hands to my children. I relish each day as my last as I never know it could be.

I don't deserve to be a wife and mom but God blessed me with these two hardest jobs in the world. Like any other job I will reveiw my performace this far and change it to meet expectations. If you got this far thanks for reading. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.