Monday, May 26, 2008

I don't deserve to be a wife or mother

Today was not a good day. I thought it would be, I tried to make it a good day but alas some ultimate force was determined to ruin my day. I spent 4 hours cleaning my daughters room and rearranging. Then we had dinner and my heathen determined I could not eat once again. No wonder I have lost 2 pounds! So after a very hard day of work I came in here to catch up. This was at ten pm by the way so before this my day was dandy.

I hear screaming, I am so fed up and burned out at this point I begged Big Ro to go in and deal with the children. He is upset and calls me in. I look at Lil Ro screaming at the top of his lungs and blood dripping out his nose and Roana is in tears too. Quite obviously they had been fighting I comforted LiL Ro and asked Roana what happened. She tried to lie to me. So I smacked her bottom. Finally she fessed up and told me she kicked her brother. I ran to the bathroom and cleaned my son's face and rocked him to sleep. I laid hin down next to Big Ro and walked into Roanas room. She was laying in her bed sobbing.

I laid with her and told her not to cry. I just explained to her that she could have killed her brother and that none of us want that. She apologized so I laid with her until she calmed down. I came back into my room and laid down. My mind is racing. I cannot sleep. I feel like I have been ran over by 10,000 horses. I know I cannot control how my children react. I am thinking of adapting the concept of a fellow friend of mine who tells her children Hands are for hugging not hurting. I realize I too would need to adapt this lifestyle. I am changing my awareness on my body now I have to work on my mind.

I suck as a wife right now because my patience is worn so thin. I cannot give my husband the time or attention he deserves. Sometimes I think he would be better off without having to worry about me. I feel like I am a burden and that he deserves better. He deserves a patient, kind, loving and serving wife. I feel so selfish because I beg for 10 minutes alone. I know most women would kill to be in my position where I stay home but I look as it as a curse sometimes. I have to care for 3 people and myself and do it for just plain joy. Why cannot he understand sometimes I feel as though I am falling?

Right now he caught me typing this up. He said thanks I thought it was a good day. Yes a lot of things was done but for me the day has to end right for it to be good. So I guess for tonight I will break my own rule " Never go to bed angry". I am. I am going to bed hurt and sad and lonely even though my son sleeps next to me. I am not going to scream and yell at him. I am just going to give myself time to fizzle out. I am not going to threaten him and pretend to leave him. That is just childish. I am just going to exist for the evening.

Today was hard and he does not realize. Today was a year my dear friends. A year ago I lost my remaining parent. A year ago my father passed into the next world. Yes I did not like him at the end but he was my dad and I am entitled to some emotion on this day. I don't think he can understand how I feel. How I have an emptiness that noone else can feel. Yes I have a heart full of love for him and our children but I still miss my parents. I miss asking them did I behave like this? I miss getting advice and not taking it. I miss being a little girl who I could look upon my parents and see the world. Today I mourn my family. I lost my dad and sister a year ago. I have changed. I have to fight for myself and do what I think is right now. My heart breaks on a daily basis but I pray it only makes me stronger. I will for now on take care to place loving hands instead of iron hands to my children. I relish each day as my last as I never know it could be.

I don't deserve to be a wife and mom but God blessed me with these two hardest jobs in the world. Like any other job I will reveiw my performace this far and change it to meet expectations. If you got this far thanks for reading. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

5 Comments / Comentarios:

Momto3LittleFlowers said...

(((((HUGS))))

It most be something in the air.... Gaby and Mia have been fighting this last few days like they have never done it before.... Gaby is actually hitting Mia back, and this is just crazy..... I feel sorry for you, because I know how you feel right now...

elsuenoamericano said...

My kids have been driving me super crazy the last few days, too. :(

I'll be praying that things get better for you. Sounds like a very, very tough day.

brenda said...

oh mama i guess your right its in the air....being a sahm is not easy its the hardest damn job anyone can have and i feel your pain about failing....too bad we didnt live closer to each other id say lets go have a margarita lol we damn sure deserve it

Adrians Mama said...

Oh Susan you are wonderful! It sounds like you handled everything great. I understand wanting 10 minutes to yourself and then feeling guilty for it but we deserve it. Keep up the good work with everything you are doing!!!!

Anonymous said...

You Deserve everything you have. Remember dad loved you he just was out of it at the end. As much as you think I hurt you; remember you hurt me as well, there are always two sides to the story. We are getting stronger because of what we have been through. Regardless of what you do to me or think of me I will always love you. You are a beautiful person and I know you are learning each day just like me.