Explaining 9/11 & more

9/10 & 9/11 is bad for us. Today my sweet daughter saw the flags half staff and asked me why. I forgot my baby was just a baby the day this happened. She is too innocent to remember but I must make her understand. I took her hands and sat her on a park bench by the school. I went on to describe tbe terror that occured that day. I explained how we are a rich country or at least was and that other nations could not stand us for that. I then told her how a couple of bad guys crashed some planes into very important buildings here in our country. She started shaking and I looked at the flag. She then asked me mommy will they hurt me too? I told her no not today as thanks to those souls who lost thier lives and the current ones who risk their lives for us that we are safe. I told her to be proud to be an american. We are united even though sometimes we do not act like it. She hugged me and ran to class satisfied for now. When she is older I will pull up the videos but for now the curiosity is filled. It breaks my heart she is now getting to the age where she notices things like this. She also has empathy for those lives loss. I am doing a good job with her.

I was really in the mood to take pictures today but thanks to some scavenger my camera was missing. It really did not help that I still have memory loss. I am getting my thoughts back slowly but surely. I finally found the camera but by the time I did picture opportunities were lost.

We are making plans this weekend. We are thinking of taking a drive into the moutains. A place called estes park. We might pack a picnic lunch or we may just buy something on Sunday. Saturday is my big game. I am so excited. Go Bucks Beat those Trojans! LoL I have good news on my cell phone. It was not water damaged so they are covering it under warranty but even if not the other guys insurance will cover it. Life is slowly resuming to normal. I still miss that car and I am still traumatised but it will all work out as long as I have faith. Hope all is well out there with all of you.

4 years already?

Time really does fly when you are having fun. I always thought that September 11 would be a bad day. I never imagined that my life would change on September 10th. I felt sorry for all the family's that had lost loved ones and thanked God I was fortunate enough to not know anyone who was harmed. But then it happened. September 10th 2004 Rogelio and I both had the day off. We had went to blockbuster video to rent a couple of games and then went to Golden Corral for the first time ever. I had an argument with my mother the night before over an unplanned trip. I was going to call her. I looked over at my caller id and I saw 10 missed calls. I then checked my answering machine fearing the worse. On the voice my grandma is crying. She tells me Susan Honey I have to tell you something. Oh god how do I tell you this? Your mama was in a car accident honey. She had to go to the hospital. She passed away honey call me when you get this. My heart shattered into a million peices.

I picked up the reciever and dialed my grandparents number. They confirmed the bad news. I could not take the pain. I collapsed into bed and bawled. My baby Roana was barely 3 but she heard the pain and came and cried on the bed with me. From there on my sister and I planned our trip to my mothers funeral.

Big Ro and I left Roana here in Colorado and flew to Tennessee to bury her. It was a beautiful funeral and my sister and I wrote a poem for my momma. We even read it at her funeral. I know she is better off now. She has no pain and does not need to worry about the breast cancer returning. She is most likely better off now then most of us.

Many days I feel sorry for myself. I cry for my children. They will never know their grandma. I cry for that relationship lost. Yes we have great grandma & grandpa but it is not quite the same. Grandmas spoil and love you no matter what. Some of my best memories are with my grandma. However thinking about it right now I know my kids have something more then a grandma. They have a guardian angel. She never leaves us and no matter what protects my children. I will always miss my mom but to dwell on it does her unjustice. I will keep the good memories and learn from the bad.

Today if you have parents please tell them you love them. Hold them close. I pray it doesnt but you never know. You could lose them tomorrow and never have the chance to tell them I love you. If you are interested here is a link to her poems. When I read them she is still alive with me. Love each other as you never know.

My Best friends live on my Computer

I should have known this miraculous device would determine my life. I met Big Ro on here and look where we are at in life. My mother met her husband on here and shhh can you keep a secret? My sister met her husband here too. We are just techies I guess.

I have had a down couple of days honestly. I miss my mom. I am stressing about this car accident. I have days of no pain and then I feel like screaming. Then my dh broke my heart when he denied me. Well fast forward to my wonderful online friends. I went on the website I frequent and told them my problems. They comforted me and made me feel loved. I love my computer. My best friends live in it. Thanks for the support ladies.

One step forward, two steps back

Saturday and Sunday we tried to get some sense of normalcy back into our life. I still am in disbelief and now I am starting to become a little depressed. I called the nurse on duty and she said with a concussion that is expected. When Big Ro came home from work we wanted to get out and spend some time with the kids. We went to Subway and grabbed a couple of Sandwiches and went to a local playground to watch the kids play like normal. I am trying to let them forget the accident and also trying to forget it myself. But I have irrational fears. I fear other cars. I fear the unexpected. I guess that is expected. Life is short I know it. I just have to live it. I apologize if I am rambling. It is kind of hard to try to keep a train of thought right now. My mind kind of wanders and it really frusturates me. Like last night I had to go into the shower and cry my eyes out. I hate being like this. I truly do. I need to be in control. I need to have power but right now I realize I need to wing it.

I wish I had family here to help. Unfortunately my friends are all busy with their own routines to help us out. So healing is going to take longer then expected. I know I am blessed and honestly I know they care. Heck they brought me dinner 3 nights in a row so that did help wonders. I just need to be patient and step back and relax.

The reason why I named this the way I did is because I realize life goes on but it seems like every struggle is is pushing me back. For example we took the dogs to the park. Rex got away and I had to chase him. Of course that led to a major headache and dizzy spell which frusturated me more. I just want to be normal again. I took some pics of our attempt at normal life. Enjoy

Can help but to question myself

Now that reality is setting in about this whole accident I cannot help but question a lot of things. I know that God will not give me more then I can handle but I still feel very dazed and confused and I do not like it. For example this morning I turned the bathtub on to clean it out and I went back an hour later and forgot it was turned on. Water is all over the floor and I am still kicking myself. How long will I be this way? Its not fair. I have no patience and I am getting distracted very easy. I have no energy and get wiped out just talking on the phone. Why is God testing me so? Why did this happen? Will I learn from it if I cannot remember anything? I guess it is a good thing I have this blog. I will actually be able to reflect to these days and remember this test if for some reason I do not heal properly. I am scared of that. Will I have to always carry my phone number around or fumble for words? I guess I am being punished for being too strong of a woman and needed to be knocked back to reality. Oh well...just had to get this off my chest. I am off to clean the apartment or at least attempt it again. I will keep updating

Update on Me

I finally went to the doctor. After a discussion Big Ro and I decided to take the pictures down. We think it was too graphic and he does not like looking at them. I hope I do not look like an elephant man for too long. Know what I mean? I went to the doctor yesterday and my greatest fear was confirmed. I have a concussion. I cannot remember most of the accident anymore unfortunately. I can just describe the aftermath. I saw our car yesterday and I cried. My heart breaks so much. I loved that car more then any other material possession. The good news is we are getting a car rental right now. Until a settlement is reached we are driving a 2008 PT Cruiser.

Rogelio took the day off of work today to take care of me. I am feeling very weak, nauseous, dizzy and sometimes I ache all over. The doctor ordered me to take 3 ibuprofen every 4 hours in combination with excederin with the pain. I finally went and got all my medications and am feeling some kind of relief. I am going to try to keep blogging. It relaxes me but please realize I am not going to be myself for at least 4 weeks.

Big Ro is pretty banged up now too. His sinuses may be damaged. We will find out by Monday after the doctor reviews his xrays. So life is ok right now. We are alive and grateful for our children. We are kind of testy but that is understandable. I am going to lay down again as just typing is wearing me out. Hope all is well with everyone else.

Just when I thought it Could not get worse

Rio is still alive thank goodness. He survived the last 10 hours so I think he is safe. We went to our favorite resturaunt for dinner but however we did not get to enjoy it at all. Lil Ro was getting cranky in the car as usual. So Big Ro and I decided to bring the food home. We were driving down the road just chatting and then next thing I remember is smoke. Our car was hit on the drivers side. I screamed bloody murder tore my door open and ran to get my kids out. Roana was already out of the car screaming and little Ro's car seat was tipped to the side. He was also crying very loudly. Big Ro climbed out threw my side and ran over to the man screaming look at what you did to my wife Mother fucker.

I did not know what he was talking about at first. I grabbed my son and ran frantically to the curb. Then a lady grabbed me by the shoulder and ordered me to sit down. I looked down and on the concrete I was dripping blood. My face has been cut multiple times by the airbag. Finally the ambulance arrived and determines I am in shock. Well Yeah I am traumatized almost 4 years ago my mom died in car accident and now I am in our first one ever. I still remember those sirens and my childrens tears. I pray I never have to go through that again. They went ahead and sent me home. I cannot sleep right now because all I hear is the screech and I can just hear the tire shred and smell the smoke. I will not complain about my children anymore. I realize now that I could have lost it all tonight and I do not ever want to deal with that again. I will post pictures of my face tomorrow so you can see my damage. Right now it looks even worse. Hope all is well with you all out there.

Today is not that great

It is only mid day and I need to blog. Right now Lil Ro is sleeping after crying himself to sleep. I had to discipline him. He actually got spanked today. I had not spanked him in almost 2 weeks. He is driving me bonkes. You remember we got a new fish and we have a betta of course. Well my son decided this morning that the fish needed some food. Cool right? Well wrong. He got ahold of the goldfish food and dumped it all into the betta's tank. He even created a step ladder. Ok once I understand no spanking and I was partially to blame. So I took the remaining food and stuck it on top of the fridge. No way he could get that. I am hearing silence as I email big Ro and I go into the kitchen. Bam the water is black and Rio is laying on his side. I cried out. I love this dang fish it is crazy he is 1.5 years old and I do not want him to die. I grab a plastic cup and scoop him out of his bowl and change the water quickly. Now he is depressed and stressed. Oh please dont let Rio die. Of Course Cana is fine. She is swimming quickly and happy as can be. This sounds silly but please pray for Rio. I will be devestated if something happens to him.

I have created a Monster.

Today was back to normal. Same old routine different day. Lil Ro and I woke up and took his sis to school and walked over to the dollar tree for a few more necessaties. It was there I spotted them. Strawberry & Chocolate Pop tarts. Mommy had to have some so for a buck I bought two packages. We came home and sat on the couch and opened a package. I drooled a little as I fell in love and lil Ro grabbed one. He is also in love and since this evening has finished one box. I indulged them a little bit but now I am worried what if they are discontinued?

I cooked dinner tonight. We had crockpot bbq chicken and macaroni & cheese with sliced tomatos. It was pretty good. Big Ro and I watched tv for a bit and then we went to the room and played our game system again. I am so blessed and I hope I feel this way for the rest of my life.

Labor Day, what a blast?

So daddy had the day off today. I love it when we can sleep in past six AM. We laid in bed and chatted about life and the mistakes that have happened since we got together. The kids heard us and came screaming in our room and jumped into the bed with us. We took the dogs out to do their business then headed over to a park we had not been to in awhile.

The kids ran like wild bansees and played very hard. In Roana's new lunch box I packed 4 pears, 2 oranges and 3 bottled waters. We ate our pears and drank our water and just took in the good times. I sometimes wonder if I give my kids enough. I feel bad when i have to tell them no on something they want. But then I think. I am giving them memories and love and truly is that not the most important thing besides food and water.

Most of our day was spent chillaxing in the apartment. We played the xbox 360 and chomped on the food around the house. Of course we got some tacos for dinner. Sometimes the best days are just the days where you wing it.

Big Ro and I talked about his sister and life as she knows it. We have not talked to her in 2 weeks but I have to get in touch with her. Things are so different now and its not even funny. I love Maria. She is the best sister a girl could ask for. I called her crying one day and she made me feel 100 times better. I am so blessed in this life. I am healthy, happy and have the world's greatest family. What more could a woman want? Nothing I tell you. If I died tomorrow I would truly be happy and that my friends is the best feeling in the world.

Please excuse the purple neck. My son was playing with markers and I did not realize it was there. LoL