One step forward, two steps back

Saturday and Sunday we tried to get some sense of normalcy back into our life. I still am in disbelief and now I am starting to become a little depressed. I called the nurse on duty and she said with a concussion that is expected. When Big Ro came home from work we wanted to get out and spend some time with the kids. We went to Subway and grabbed a couple of Sandwiches and went to a local playground to watch the kids play like normal. I am trying to let them forget the accident and also trying to forget it myself. But I have irrational fears. I fear other cars. I fear the unexpected. I guess that is expected. Life is short I know it. I just have to live it. I apologize if I am rambling. It is kind of hard to try to keep a train of thought right now. My mind kind of wanders and it really frusturates me. Like last night I had to go into the shower and cry my eyes out. I hate being like this. I truly do. I need to be in control. I need to have power but right now I realize I need to wing it.

I wish I had family here to help. Unfortunately my friends are all busy with their own routines to help us out. So healing is going to take longer then expected. I know I am blessed and honestly I know they care. Heck they brought me dinner 3 nights in a row so that did help wonders. I just need to be patient and step back and relax.

The reason why I named this the way I did is because I realize life goes on but it seems like every struggle is is pushing me back. For example we took the dogs to the park. Rex got away and I had to chase him. Of course that led to a major headache and dizzy spell which frusturated me more. I just want to be normal again. I took some pics of our attempt at normal life. Enjoy

Labor Day, what a blast?

So daddy had the day off today. I love it when we can sleep in past six AM. We laid in bed and chatted about life and the mistakes that have happened since we got together. The kids heard us and came screaming in our room and jumped into the bed with us. We took the dogs out to do their business then headed over to a park we had not been to in awhile.

The kids ran like wild bansees and played very hard. In Roana's new lunch box I packed 4 pears, 2 oranges and 3 bottled waters. We ate our pears and drank our water and just took in the good times. I sometimes wonder if I give my kids enough. I feel bad when i have to tell them no on something they want. But then I think. I am giving them memories and love and truly is that not the most important thing besides food and water.

Most of our day was spent chillaxing in the apartment. We played the xbox 360 and chomped on the food around the house. Of course we got some tacos for dinner. Sometimes the best days are just the days where you wing it.

Big Ro and I talked about his sister and life as she knows it. We have not talked to her in 2 weeks but I have to get in touch with her. Things are so different now and its not even funny. I love Maria. She is the best sister a girl could ask for. I called her crying one day and she made me feel 100 times better. I am so blessed in this life. I am healthy, happy and have the world's greatest family. What more could a woman want? Nothing I tell you. If I died tomorrow I would truly be happy and that my friends is the best feeling in the world.

Please excuse the purple neck. My son was playing with markers and I did not realize it was there. LoL

My Inspiration

I am finally feeling a little better today thank goodness. I am upset about Caylee obviously. I still cannot comprehend how any mother could harm her child or not try to save her. I look at my children. Yes they make me angry sometimes but I could not harm them if I tried. I was a prospanking mama but I realized it does not work. Now I am disciplining by rewards and punishment. Roana now knows that grounded is not a good thing and Lil Ro knows that I will take it away. I have to admit I feel better knowing my babies are not physically being hurt. I digress however. On Monday it was my grandparents 36th wedding anniversary. My PawPaw and MawMaw have basically taken care of me since infancy. My first words where actually "Ganpa". To this day I am a grandpas girl. I am amazed at my grandparents. My pawpaw has been through countless operations and mawmaw is a breast cancer survivor. They are a perfect match. My grandpa tells me when she is sick that he would sell his home and live under a bridge to make my mawmaw well. Then my mawmaw also admits that she will cease to live the same way if he passes on. This marriage is both their second marriage but I can see that God has definately placed a hand largely in their life. They are my inspiration and can show me that love can conquer all. But you have to keep faith in your relationship and God. There cannot be any doubt and you must overlook the small stuff.

Ro & I are getting along much better right now. We have learned we both have little quirks and places you do not go. We both have hearts and we both are still in love. Life is too short to fight. You never know what will happen. I will follow my grandparents inspiration and realize noone is perfect and that is what makes us love them.

Just another great day with my Son

I am focusing on positivity right now. I could blog very negative right now, but I am choosing to be very optomistic. Something scary happened to me today but I refuse to post about it. I do not want to remember this and I have learned from it. What we are doing now is taking that negative and turning it postive. We are taking every moment as it was our last. We are playing at parks with our son and watching him grow. Life passes too fast and I do not want to lose any of it anymore.
On a sad note however. I found out today that one of my childhood friends was shot. She will most likely pass and if not will be a vegatable. Tomorrow they are taking her off of life support. I pray for her as I hope you do too. Life is short. Live each day as it was your last.

Busy as a little Bee!

My mother in law is coming this evening for the weekend so for the last 2 days I have been cleaning nonstop. I cleaned the cabinets. The fridge, under the couch, inside the couch and every room. I have to do some laundry this afternoon such as sheets and clothes but I finally have time to breathe. I even wiped down the walls. Unfortunately my vacuum broke but I am using a broom until next thursday when Big Ro gets paid again. Oh the joys of being between. LoL I have not seen Mother in Law since March so I am very excited to see her again. She is a good friend of mine even though we speak two different languages. We just get each other. Oh well I am babbling. We are going to get her this evening when Big Ro gets off work. I cannot wait to have her home. We will take her to out best friends resturaunt and then come home and relax. I am so happy. Here are some pics of the kiddos playing. Enjoy. Excuse me please if I do not post this weekend.

Sorry to Be off on my own

My life is coming to a turning point. I am realizing that online life is not the most important thing anymore. My children, home and husband need me. I am tired of putting on a show and watching what I say. I am tired of ticking people off. I am tired of playing sides. I am going to be me from now on. I am trying to decide what I want in life. Do I want another child? Do I want to persue a career? Do I want to live in Colorado for the rest of my life? I have so many questions and no answers yet. I guess God only knows what I am going through and yes I may tell only negatives but it seems everyone only listens when its all flowers and candy.



My husband is doing great. I am so proud of him. He is working overtime as we speak right now. We are trying to talk things out now instead of hollering. Also I am learning that I need to show patience to recieve the respect I deserve. Yes I was upset about him forgetting and screwing me on my birthday but I guess when its the big picture it could be worse. He could be a bastard every day. I am fortunate to have him despite what I may think when angry.



My children are my life. They are beautiful in every since of the word. Roana is flourishing in school and despite what most think of her overweight body gorgeous. She has a great spirit and innocence. I am teaching her now she needs to fight back at these bully's. God made her the way she is now and noone can change it. Lil Ro is driving me nuts. He is finding every boundery and crossing it. I guess that is what almost 2 year old lil boys are good at. I am proud he has no fear and knows mommy will rescue him if he needs it. Time just flies doesnt it? I am trying to focus on these babys. One day in the future I will look back and question why I wasnt around enough so I am doing that for them



On lighter news we have a ghost! I have proof. My hubby was wondering how the dogs behave when we are gone and this is what comes up. Half way through the video you hear a door knob and if you listen closely you hear breathing and the door creak. I am not afraid, I am intrigued. Is it my mom that passed or some lost soul who decided to be a part of our family? As long as it does no harm it is welcome here. Here is the video. Listen about halfway through. You will see our dogs look up...I swear we are not home this happened in our bedroom. See if you can explain it.

Nobody's Home

So that is it for now. i will update soon. Until then I hope all is well in the world you are all living in.

This Feels Really Good

Today I actually spent less time online and more time with my apartment and kid. The house looks almost emmaculate and the baby had fun. I am proud of myself. My husband is sitting in the front room with a friend of his and the kids are playing quietly so mommy can just chill. I am blessed to have good friends on here thank goodness and I am also blessed to have a wonderful family. Life is good. Thanks for everything

So hard to watch it all

So here mommy is going crazy. I am chasing lil bit and running back and forth getting stuff for Roana. Life is moving so darn fast. Can you believe its already near the end of February! So guess what? We got another Wii. We had 2 before but had to sell them because of finances but thanks to uncle sam and incredible luck we scored. You guys should really think of getting one! Anyone have any familys out there with them? We are looking for friends. Post your friend id and we can meet up! Still checking out cameras. I am looking at a Sony n2 hopefully I can get a good deal. Wish me luck!

The good, the bad and the ugly

Life is very very short! I am so very excited. This time last year Rogelio and I were worried about life in general. He was working a temp agency but life was good. Well as of today he is now employed full time. He is offered a great position with the company and will be getting full benefits as of a couple weeks. We will have insurance again! Life is getting better now!

These terrible twos are killing me...lil ro is sucking the energy right out of me. Little boys are so much harder then little girls. They test, touch and taste anything and everything. But I would not trade him for the world.

I miss my mom alot lately. I long to pick up the phone and hear her voice. It still amazes me that she was taken from me so quickly. I know though she looks down upon me and smiles. Well thats it for today..god bless

A look into the Real Me...

Most of you guys know me as mommy or wife to Ro. But today I am going to give you the story to who I am and what made me who I am. I was born in 1980 to a wonderful couple named Debra and Stephen. I was the first grandchild and their firstborn in all ways I was the golden child. On my first birthday my parents conceived my sister and life from there was never the same. She was supposed to be the boy so I was pushed away for a little while and I was a little resentful I suppose what kid would not be. My grandparents however embraced me and loved me like I was the best thing since sliced bread. To make a long story short my sister was born and life went on.

My parents bought a house on Princeton and everything was supposed to be great. My mom took a night shift at the hospital so we could afford the mortgage. I remember walking over there with my smurf clutched in my arms so excited to have a backyard. This house would be the house to make or break me.

The years passed on and my parents marriage suffered. My mother became more and more frusturated with us girls. Her patience wore thin as her marriage suffered and she became very abusive. My memories unfortunately are mostly of her telling me to be a real woman and hit her back. I had many black eyes and many shed tears. Worst of all my dad would do nothing.

As I grew older I learned the best solution was to stay away from home. Find whatever activity I could become involved in and join. I had to balance school, home and relationships. I remember walking home a mile each way just so I could be in a club that would give me some sanity. I had infatuation with authority figures in my life and eventually i finally found a healthy relationship.

I was 12 years old. I met a neighbor boy and he would be my first real boyfriend. He was a good kid but it was not meant to be. We had to move my parents lost their house. We moved into a townhome and my sister and I had to share a room. It was very depressing. I honestly remember struggling for my life. I had an addiction to pain relievers if you could believe that. I took a bottle of tylenol in less then 2 weeks. I also became a religious fanatic. I was obsessed with weight loss.

In 1998 I graduated. My life turned around when I signed up for webtv. I met a wonderful man and my parents finally started to lighten up. My dad smacked me against a wall one night when I had talked to Ro for a 500 phone bill. I was fed up. That summer I had worked at a summer camp. I saved all my money for college payments. That night after talking to my love I decided to come see what a normal woman would do. I bought a plane ticket to Colorado and met my love.

December that year I hopped on a plane. I got off and looked in his eyes and honestly I never looked back. He has completed me and has helped me overcome all these hurdles. He is my life and I would not trade him for anything. My children will NEVER suffer any of this. I will turn myself into the authorities before my babies suffer. With Ro by my side I will survive. So ladies noone is perfect and no life is perfect. Now you all know just a little bit more about me.

This Is My Time

Right now as the clock hits 9:00 I can finally sit down and relax before a long evening. My son is curled up on his side cup sitting at his side and Ro is laying in bed snoring quietly. I can zone out and enjoy a few moments of quiet. This is my time. My time to reflect on the days (or lack of) events. I can share what is going on with the world.

I cannot comprehend how these pharmaceutical businesses stay in business. My poor hubby is taking Tylenol cold & flu, TheraFlu, Ibuprofen and even rubbing Vick's all over his body (don't mine that part wink wink) but none of it is really helping. All it does is knock him out. I guess that is helping though as to my knowledge he is attempting a day at work tomorrow.

I am still amazed at my daughter. Today I told myself focus on her after school so I put my terrible toddler in the room with daddy and shut the door and sat with her at the dining room table. She cried because she had two spelling assignments and math and reading homework. I looked at her and told her straight-faced that "You are smart baby and they need to challenge you". She read a book to me for 20 minutes and some of the words she could sound out amazed me such as "Lake Titicaca" and Inca Kingdom. She is blossoming and I pray she knows how much she amazes me.

This morning my terrorist stole my heart too. When hubby got up to attempt a normal day he heard his dad leave. He slipped off his bed came running into my room and curled up beside me. He even grabbed my arm and placed it around him. I love my munchkin. He can brighten my day by the slightest thing. The poor soul though right now is breaking in his final molars so he is cranky and I think he is catching a bit of daddy's cold.

I have been bawling all day today. First I was watching lifetime while DH napped and I was watching a show about a lady who had a preemie who developed cancer planned her husband and nurse to get together after her death. I cried at first for the tiny birth, then the diagnosis of cancer, then the letters she wrote. My I just cried and cried. Hubby even saw me. Then this evening we rented the movie with the rock in it. The game plan. Oh my goodness. I loved this movie. It made me bawl too. I think AF is just around the corner.

Life is going forward. We are learning and loving. We are relying on each other more and more and making decisions together. I can honestly say for the first time in this marriage Rogelio and I have no outside influences influencing us. Our children are flourishing and you know life is not half bad.

When you look at the negative in this world and then the positive in my life you know its not worth it. All we can do is live life it was meant to be...With someone you love and happily.

Sorry I have been a gloomy Gus lately

I have decided from this point on I will focus on the positive. I asked him what he asked about the ex. He told me he didn't ask his friend offered the information. He said she lost a lot of weight and has 5 kids and is doing drugs. I guess he didn't know Ro wanted to marry her and she declined! Opps now I feel bad for pooring ice water on Rogelio. LoL His friend also told Rogelio he chose the right woman for him. I cannot believe it. He said I am very family oriented, adore him and gave it all up. Plus his family for the most part loves me. I guess we all get a little insecure when it comes to exes. I did not look up my ex. I knew that would only cause problems. I just need to be more secure in our relationship. You guys are right he has never cheated, he adores me and we have a beautiful family. He is not going anywhere unless it is mutual.

Today we were supposed to go to pueblo but when I woke up in the morning about 4 inches of snow covered the ground. I do not think so. It is not worth it. I emailed the lady I was supposed to pick up some things from freecycle from and she emailed me back. She told me she did not care that the snow was bad that she was going to donate the stuff today if I did not pick it up. I am not going to risk our lives for free stuff. Sorry. Grr sometimes they can be pains.

We took the dog and kids out to play in the snow. It took me 20 minutes to dress lil ro. He had a blast and did not mind all the clothes. I made tortas for lunch. All in all it was a easy day but very very nice. Big Ro and I talked alot today. He told me he adores me and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. We are planning a vacation in March. Where I am not exactly sure. We are thinking Ohio to look for a place to live in the next year or California to visit his mom. Ideally I would love to go to tennessee. I want to visit my mother's gravesite. I miss her alot lately. I miss her smile and her warm eyes. I miss the smell of her smokeladen clothing and her scratchy voice. I swear when things get rough I can feel her around me. Wow...growing up I didn't think I did not need her and now that I am grown up I can not live without her. She is my inspiration and I strive to be like her. One day ladies I will tell you all everything that has ever happened.

Right now all I can say is take it day by day. Never doubt your love and try to keep your chin high. I love you all thanks for listening. Enjoy the pics of the kids today

Can't we Just Be family?

Well today was a very long day. I actually went off on big Ro. I told him in no such terms I am tired of it all. Sometimes I need a break too. To my surprise he took Ro-n in another room and Roana to hers and I had a whole 15 minutes to myself. I spent it online of course but it was worth it.

The Big Ro got a call from our BFF she had to go to a car dealership and needed a translator. I had him drop the kids and I at the mall so they could play happily. It was there I realized alot of things. I forgot my camera for one so no cute pictures of the kiddos playing on the big foam cars. Then I looked around as Ro-N screamed and played happily. My husband was not at my side. I was lonely. All the other mommies had their men to pick up the babies and I was by myself. I do not want to be a single mom. I did not sign up for that.

I do not want to be neglected I guess. But I am learning my hubby was raised to be at a friends beckoning. It gets lonely being me sometimes. I guess that is why I cling so tightly to my invisible friends. I am so excited ladies. A friend of mine from Lil Ro's birthboard may be moving close to me in a few months. I will finally have someone who I can relate too. I can finally have a friend with kids close to age with mine. I will finally be accepted and have another confidante.

Grr I need to vent again...So sorry. My husband lately has been talking to an old friend online. Well they switched numbers and they were talking tonight. Rogelio asked about his ex girlfriend. The one he lied to me about never having. You see when we first met he said he was not involved with anyone. Then after I moved in on his birthday this woman called him. I talked to our room mates and they showed me letters from her and everything. I was hurt. Honestly I never got over it. I married him but now that he is inquiring about her it pisses me off! Respect me....grrr I know its history but dont inquire I am sooooo tempted to find my ex and find out how he is...just to give him a taste of his own medicine. I am so mad!

Oh well, life is short. I just gotta live it to the most. My life is not that bad...just sometimes a little lonely. Thanks for caring and god bless. I will try to update daily.

Counting down the Hours Until 2008

Well here it is. I know some of my amigas on the East Coast only have a couple of hours left but her we still have almost five hours remaining. The kids are running around...one hyped up on mountain dew the other just hitting his terrible twos. Hubby is taking a nap so we can countdown to midnight together. My best friend here in the springs already called and wished me a happy new year...yet here I sit with a little sorrow.

I am saddened thinking of what has been gained and lost this year. I lost family members which I realize I never had to begin with. A sister is supposed to be bonded for life but I have learned a mans appendege can cause a woman to turn her back. A father who is supposed to love unconditionally can turn his back because of a man a daughter chooses to love. Life can be miserable and yet it can be short. I also lost my father to a fight that could have been prevented. If only those years he had listened to the doctors. If only he would have protected himself with his infidelities. I know his liver was damaged by a disease that a .25 rubber could have prevented. An uncle and aunt who think they are holier then thow have now lost a neice instead of embracing newfound family. They will feel their sorrow one day when they too realize all that could have been and how we could be family. Oh well, we live we learn

I learned life also has its beauty. The beauty of a child's smile. The loyalty of a son. The warm hugs and kisses is all it takes to make me happy. The warm embrace of a man who loves you and makes his world yours after all this time. This is the true meaning of life.

Yes right now I live in a 2 bedroom apartment. I work as a Stay At Home Mom. I know to a lot of people I may not seem to amount to much. You might even call me trashy for a lot of reasons. I am raising my children. They will have positive memories to associate with me. To be perfectly honest with you all, I will accept my children alway. They can marry or not. They can be homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual and I will still embrace them. They can marry african american, caucasian, hispanic or asian or heck even extra terristial, they will be my children. I love my babies and their happiness is all I need.

So tonight on this new years Eve I am making this resolution. I am going to tell all those who wish my family harm or do not agree with the way I live "Screw You". I am sick of living for everyone else. My family and I's life is the most important. My children are healthy and they continue to amaze me. Stop hating and live life as full as you can people. Life is too short. Once it is gone it is gone forever.

My Baby is A Big Girl

I can hardly believe that 7 years ago I was in the Hospital. I had went in for my weekly test and my doctor showed me a little concern. She sent me right in for an ultrasound and my water was a little low. I was terrified. I picked up the courtesy phone and dialed my husbands cell phone. The conversation went like this.



"Baby can you leave work?"

"No honey why?"

" The doctor needs to talk to us. OMG I need to be admitted for surveilence. I am scared baby"

"Why?"

"If they cant get my fluids up, we will have her new years eve? That is if my water isn't broken."

" Ok baby I will be right there"



I am imagining the worse and crying here in the office all these new or soon to be moms must think I am losing it. He comes rushing through the doors and we talk to our OBGYN. She looks at me and says Susan you have to go. With the hypertension and things we must look out for you. You see the baby wasnt due until 1-22 according to everything. I was thinking I am having a preemie.



We walked into the er and told them I am 36 weeks pregnant and my fluid is low. They had me sit down into the wheelchair and off I was to my private room. I was terrified as they hooked me up the iv's and ro held my hand. I was famished and told them. The nurse took Ro into the hallway and told him I could have no food until the dr was talked to and he was busy in an emergency c-section. I started crying and my sweet husband picked up the phone and called the office. The nurse then called and told them I needed nourishment and to send some food right away.

At 9 pm the doctor came into my room. Rogelio was about to go home for the evening and she started an evaluation. She checked my cervix and I was partially dialated. She then said ok you do seem a little damp and she tested the fluids. The strip quickly turned dark blue. She turned to me and told me I have good news and bad news for you...You are having this baby tonight. I had not even packed my suitcase. I still had 3.5 weeks left. It was crazy.

They added another iv in with my pitocin. They turned on the medicine. The contractions started almost immediately. They also added in the antibiotics for her so just in case.

We picked up the phone to tell my sister in law to bring my mother in law down. She told me they would be down first thing in the morning as most labor last days. I knew this would be quick. At 12 they came in and checked me I was 5 cen dialated. She honestly was hurting like a son a witch too. They asked if I wanted relief. Hell ya I did. Up came the anestheisologist and he poked me in the back 6 times. He then advised me to find an alternate route as the spaces in my back are too small. I then asked for medication which brought me sweet relief for the next couple of centimeters.

Finally at 8 centimeters the back spasms started. I started wailing for hubby to come over and relieve me. He looked helplessly at that clock it stated 142 am and rubbed my back almost in tears himself. Honestly for the next 30 minutes all I remember is the back pain.

At 212 I screamed at rogelio. Please I need to go to the bathroom. The nurse told him she would have to check me if I felt the need to go and I threatened to potty on her. She came in and checked me. I was fully dialated. I was exhausted and disappointed at the same time. She then grabbed my obgyn and she came in full force. She had to give me a episotomy and helped me out. It was a hard 30 minute labor but finally at 242 am on this day I got blessed relief. I looked down into that beautiful face with an oxygen mask and saw a little of myself. I fell in love different from my husband but an unconditional love.

Now here I sit 7 years later and amazingly the pain did not seem that bad. I see her movements and desire to please me. I see her troubles, tears, disappointments and joys. I thank her for giving my first oppurtunity of many to become a mom. The most rewarding and joyous life I could have asked for. My beautiful daughter. Thank you for completing my life.

Last Night Was Awesome

No not the way you ladies are thinking. Naughty, Naughty. Big Ro and I sat done and talked. I told him a little about my fears of him cheating. He looked at me like I was insane and told me he is just friends with a lot of people and will not change for anyone. He also told me he loves his gordita and will love me for as long as I allow. We talked about the drama that was going on in my family. We decided for now I am going to let it go. I am not saying I am talking to them again but also I refuse to feed the negativity. I know I have Ro and his family and my online family too. With everyone I have as a support system I am very strong now.

Roana is making me so proud lately. This morning she woke up and told me her tummy ached. I gave her two options stay home and go to the store with me Or go to school and try to survive. She looked at me with the strongest smile and said I think Ill go to school mommy. She also told me she loves school and wants to be a nurse. I asked her why not a Doctor? She responded "because mommy the dr needs a nurse to help him or the dr cannot fix the person!" It kinda makes sense but she is turning into a sweetie. Well when she is not wrestling with her bubba Lil Ro.

Lil Ro, I cannot tell you guys how much he has grown. He now weighs 21 lbs and is 33 inches long. He is my soldier. He is goofy though and has me pulling my hair out at times. He has learned to climb on the table and also how to draw a bath. Very scary but he is so much different then his sister. He now says Kaka (I know not nice), Hi Dada, peas (please), thank you, and a few other words. Honestly he is keeping me on my toes lately. LoL.

Rex my puppy is amazing. He is now trained to walk without a leash. He also is very independent. On Sunday we went out for a walk at a park. We forgot there was a creek he could jump into. We took off the leash to go after a ball and the next thing I saw was him sprinting off. I didn't think anything of it until dh shook his head. I ran over with LiL Ro in my arms and looked down. My puppy had jumped off a 20 ft ledge into the creek. I am so thankful he is ok and we got him out. I have learned now I need to control him.

Me, well I am just chilling. I am trying to take each day by day. I am no longer dwelling on hate and just striving to see my family succeed. Not everyone can be blessed as I am. Ro & I are going to have some down time again tonight so we will probably watch ghosthunters and a couple of movies. I am making spaghetti & meatballs, salad with olive oil vinagerette & whole wheat french bread. Then who knows what happens later. You can use your imaginations we are all grown ups.

So my good friends. If I don't post again tonight. Thank you for supporting and loving me. I know God has blessed me with each and every one of you. May we all have the strength to ignore those who only want to put us down. I know I am now learning that lesson too well. Much love and Peace to all.

Hope You Enjoy these Pictures

My Minnie


My Eeyore


My 3 Ro's


The View From My Apartment


I Love This Picture


My Lil Ro


My Princesa