Saturday, January 12, 2008

A thin Line betweent love and hate?

I have always heard this expression but lately I am beginning to understand it. For example my dh and I always have little arguments but today I really felt like banging his head against the wall. A couple of days ago he asked me to use any resource to get our friends deposit money back. I posted a complaint to the BBB and then I proceeded to go to ripoff reports and file a complaint there too. Well he had me file these without the knowlege of our friend. So now I am in a flurry trying to cancel them both. It stinks though as I was up several hours trying to do these. I told him then I am tired of his treatment towards me. I deserve respect. When I decided to stay home with the kids did not give him a free pass to sit on his butt all day and act like a child himself. I know tomorrow I will love him again but tonight I am sickened by his behaviour.

Then don't get me started on my sister. She is a piece of work. Yea so what my kid is overweight and so what they are not always 100% clean. They are kids let them be. Then honestly ladies in my past I was arrested for domestic violence. I never told you guys that. So was my dh. We went to our classes and have learned to manage our anger. It was the most humbling time of both our lives. Well her husband is now saying I am not a true parent. So you know what ladies I lost it. I completely lost it. I posted this blog on myspace...

A marriage of convenience?
Current mood: devious
Category: Life

Some people say I am in a marriage of convenience. I am proud to say this is a Bold Faced Lie!!!!!! Rogelio and I proudly state we met online. We are not ashamed! Granted we were never traditionally engaged (if you call engagement losing your virginity in your husbands childhood room) or that we did not have a drama filled wedding (but yea we love our drama filled myspace). We chose to be together. We never played make believe running around making kissy faces at each other. We did not Force each other to stay together because he took care of me when my parents would not! We have met in the middle and we are soul mates. Unlike some other posers (especially one who according to his Wife wanted to get up close and personal with a Man's chorizo (sausage for nonspanish speakers)). I can also say my husband has Only slept with me in every aspect of the word (he NEVER slept with another Woman in a hotel room and ignored my calls). I can Trust my husband as he has never signed up with a dating (well sex finder) service such as adult finders. I am sorry no matter what that is not game. Try to earn the trust back it will never happen.

If it is a crime to be happily married with two children I enjoy on a daily basis then I am guilty and would not want it any other way. These beautiful healthy children that will never know the word "step parent"or will have to worry about choosing between mommy or daddy. That is what being A Parent is truly about. We are the typical marriage and I will shove it in your face (I quit caring a long time ago what you think).

So you hate me strong word for a Pansy who can't even stand up to her husband. What goes around comes around! Karma is a witch.

Its snowing here right now, and we wanted to take our kids to see the elephants play in the snow, but I don't think we have to go to see them, I can just log in here... Thanks you guys, you saved me the admission...

Don't play with fire or I will burn you back. Burn Baby Burn! Flame on...back to your regularly scheduled programs...

Yea it was a little harsh but you know my heart hurt and like an animal being attacked I had to lash out. My life is different now. you cant say something bad without expecting to get a little repercustions. I don't know. Maybe I am just becoming a mean person.

Sometimes ladies let me be honest with you. Cause I know here I will not be judged or yelled at. I sometimes wish I could just disappear...not die or anything but fade away. My children are not good enough and I am not good enough. I can't do anything right and the only time I am needed is when someone else cant do it. I feel like a ghost sometimes. I feel very empty and unfullfilled. I don't know maybe its because all the ties to my family are gone but honestly I dont want them back. Who knows maybe post partum depression happens almost 2 years later. I try to look at the bright side but I think sometimes it is inevitable.

Please don't worry about me. I hope this is only temporary. Its days like this I really miss my mom. The only one who could truly comprehend what I am going through. I sometimes talk to her in my head and then usually that night something strange happens around me. Lets see if she visits tonight. I hope I can break this funk and that I finally get the kudos I deserve. Life is too short. Its time I live it.

I have now crossed that line between love and hate...I think I have to hate myself enough to love myself.

2 Comments / Comentarios:

carrie said...

I know how you feel. I have been in a funk lately also. You know why but I just can't seem to get rid of it. I wish I could just sit in the bathtub all day and read in the peace and quiet!! Just hang in ther it will get better.

Momto3LittleFlowers said...

I had an horrible day, so I just KNOW how you feel!! I wish there were something that I could do for you! You know Im here for you!!